- A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind.
- A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought of.
- Are you a bad side effect of my medication?
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- At my age, getting lucky is finding my car in the parking lot.
- Boldly going nowhere!
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
- Careful or you'll end up in my novel.
- Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
- Danger: Men Thinking
- Dear Dorothy, hate Oz. Took shoes. Find your own way home. - Toto
- DNA is life ... The rest is just matter.
- Donít worry about what people think, they donít do it very often.
- Don't interrupt me while i'm talking to myself.
- Earth is full. Go home.
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Gene Police: Get out of the pool!
- God created men first, cause you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece!
- Going to church doesn't make you a christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- Good morning, let the stress begin.
- Heaven won't have me and hells afraid I'll take over!
- Home isn't where the heart is, home is a place you go where they have to let you in.
- I can only please one person per day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.
- I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
- I donít need your attitude, I have one of my own.
- I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
- I know milk does the body good but damn how much did you drink?
- I take life with a grain of salt...a wedge of lime and a shot of tequila.
- I used to care but i take a pill for that now.
- If it doesn't fit force it, if it breaks it needed replaced anyway.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
- I'm not always right...But Iím never wrong
- I'm not anti-social, I just don't like you.
- I'm not tense, just terribly alert.
- I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
- I'm up and dressed, what more do you want?
- Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But i can usually shut her up with cookies.
- Insufficient memory at this time.
- Is it time for your medication or mine?
- It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission..
- It's not nagging if youíre always right.
- I've got more issues than a magazine.
- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
- Men are like roses; watch out for the pricks.
- My doctor says i'm in the first stages of fossilization.
- National sarcastic society like we really need your support!
- Never go to bed mad. Stay a wake to plot your revenge!!
- Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?
- Obey gravity Ė it's the law!
- Of course I donít look busy, I did it right the first time.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Please go fascinate someone else!
- PMS means purchase more shoes.
- Professional Critic
- Sanity is on back order...Sarcasm is in unlimited supply.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer
- Some days you are the top dog and other days you're the hydrant.
- Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.
- There's a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train.
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them i have others.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- We are all going to hell, and i am driving the bus.
- Well, aren't we just a stinkin' ray of sunshine!
- Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- When I want your opinion Iíll give it to you.
- You - off my planet
- You can agree with me or you can be wrong!
- You can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
- You shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think.
- Youíd be pretty good looking if it wasnít for your face.
- Youíre a few fries short of a happy meal.